{26.12.24[#1:guilt_circles.rtf]: it is not particularly confusing to me why, but my friends got me supremely better christmas gifts this year. a xiuxiu shirt, a
custom vinyl, and a ceramic rat. my parents didn't cheap out on me (not like i would care if they did) but rather they spent money on all the wrong things. i was just
plain confused when i opened my gifts, because, i would assume my parents would know me well enough to not get me a puke brown sweater (hex colour: #a17925) and a book
titled "how to write a song that matters." i am trying to use my brain as little as possible this christmas, and since i have already mulled this over plenty: isn't it a
horrible idea to get a songwriter a book called "how to write a song that matters???????" its like how my friend "g" from highschool got me a paint by numbers... to me
that is completely antithetical to creativity, even if I KNOW IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!!! my parents got me a pedal that i really wanted though. i can't believe i
really asked for a fucking cowbell. i had to look back at my text messages with my mom to make sure i was the one who sent it. maybe i was taken hostage and then forced
to send that list. who askes for a fucking cowbell? it was so ugly. why did i ask for that. if i had wanted a cowbell oh boy i would have been through the roof. anyways
so my mom and i went back and forth on the gifts. apologies bouncing back and forth. my mom felt bad i didn't get what i wanted. i felt bad because i didn't want to seem
ungrateful for their thoughtfulness. it wasn't a mess. it happened last year too. we know we love each other and there is no miscommunication. the difference between
this year and last year is how i feel. i'm medicated now but i still feel empty. i really want to get on this new medical cause then i can go to the psychologist. last
year i was phasing in an out of a bygone eating disorder, and everything felt slightly nostalgic. gloomy. at least then i was thin and empty, i was allowed to be empty a
and self loathing. now im fat and empty. happier i guess. i'm now focused on forgetting about life. through tv and food. before, i used everything to forget about life
and food. jislaaik, i can't seem to get a hold of myself. i don't know if i ever felt guilty, but i know i don't now. i used to feel like a guilt circle. now i'm just
saying sorry in one direction. sorry, self. life is so tough for you. eat up! thats the end of that thought. two bonus ones for you. one, i don't feel queer at all. i
like the idea of being non-binary. i like going by they/them. though, i feel like i don't think of myself as being non-binary. two, still thinking about that argument
with my dad a month ago. he needs to get a grip, that and the argument about am equal america made me realize he is not as bright as i thought he was.}
{28.12.24[#2:atrophy.rtf] something that never fails to make me sick is pedophilia. i understand that is such a dur statement but the gaul to ask me for links to child porn
makes me so sick. and i feel this sense of doom. were headed for the cliff. how can young men think this is okay, who taught them this? what is wrong with them? how
can we help them get better? is see a lot of this horrible behaviour on a site called "thundr.tv." it is an omegle rip-off that took all its worst qualities and ran for
the hills. when im alone for too long, ill start logging on again, pretending that im 18 and telling them i am a male. ill do anything for them. i degrade and demean
myself for no reason on this site. i have no idea who im talking to. and vice versa. they have no idea how fat i am. they have no idea if im truly 6'1. or 5'8. or if i
truly desire for my penis to be locked in a chastity cage. they know me as a male. am i? i feel like through habit, my gender has become atrophied, like i forget i am
who i am. i have a horrible problem with identity, no duh, so this website does nothing but eat into me. it plays off of me insecurity of passion, of gender, and of
sexuality. the feeling i get is not horniness. well, other than two men who i have never wanted more. a britisih man and a mexican man who both knew exactly what i
liked, i guess proving that deep down underneath all of this there is a layer of security. i like (I) like to be demeaned, but in these ways, a b c. not d e f. they
understood funnily enough. which is strange. i guess the biggest issue is i dont truly think i am non-binary. sex is such a non issue. ill do what makes me happy and ill
stop "doing" what doesnt make me happy. i love when people use they and them when referring to me. i like to talk about myself as non-binary. but, do i truly feel non-
binary? i go on this website and i say "m18" so that they will accept me. ill do anything for them. like a mouse in a maze, i just follow the smell of the prize, not
aware that i am being tested. i guess thats how everything works. i dont know. ive recently started to feel that its much more foggy for me. everyone else seems to have
a much easier time finding their prize, themselves. ill use they them. but i guess m describes the consumable "me" i sell to perverts. my entire greeting is a lie.
"hii m18" is what i always say. all that sentence says is "im begging for you to use me." why? is it because ive told myself this is what i wanted? does it make me feel
good? i guess i like it. i don't understand anything. everything i dont understand drives me away. i didn't understand my obsession with social media, so i deleted it.
i didn't understand my helplessness with dieting, so i gave up on that, too. i don't understand my gender, my self, nor my sexuality, so i say "hii m18" to signify that
im lost, and only they can lead me. they take the steps, they dont seem so confused. he doesn't.}